Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Practical Joke on Women

Whatever women did to piss off Mother Nature, someone should seriously apologize to her. I mean let's face it. A vindictive force has screwed you. Now before I get a lot of replies and hate mail, let me explain. First, nature has allowed you to develop and mature faster than your male counterparts, which when you're young is a good thing. Your intelligence is higher than the boys your age, your emotions begin to stabilize faster and by the time you're in your 20s, you are better prepared to start a career, family, or both depending on your goals. I won't go into how men are inferior to you at this point, because this post is all about the ladies. Now all the way up to your late 30s, Women have it made over men. You're beautiful, you have firm bodies, you have the intelligence and emotional stability to conquer the world and make us think we're in control. Then menopause hits. Oh, my God what happens to women at this stage of life reads as if Mel Brooks teamed up with the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges to determine how you would look and act for the next fifty years.

First, let's get to the physical part. Gravity's a bitch, yeah? I mean I saw a lady today who couldn't have been more than 40 and the things that happened to her were… well, they were just sad. Now, she was dressed properly, but you could see that she was having some wardrobe malfunctions. Each step she too, the poor woman’s boobs slipped a little more out of her bra. Her t-shirt kept her from exposing herself, but you could still see all the action as it happened. The sad part was the way it happened. Her knockers reminded me of gak. You know, that slime stuff that Nickelodeon marketed about 20 years ago. Yeah. That’s what this lady’s hooters reminded me of. With each step she took, they slipped from their enclosure more and more and jiggled under her t-shirt. Also like gak, no matter how hard you tried, the suckers still slipped through your fingers.

As funny as I found the poor woman’s plight, I was enough of a gentleman to not laugh right then and there, opting instead to announce it publicly here. Hey, I’m a gentleman, not a saint. However, this poor woman wasn’t the end of my amusement and the realization of how screwed you chicks are. A few minutes later, I saw a woman with two kids coming through the doors. The kids were well behaved but obviously feeling sick. One would sneeze and the other would cough. The woman would stop to wipe a nose and help cover the cough then stopped to think about where she was headed.

Feeling bulletproof against whatever cooties the rug rats carried, I decided to follow this woman for no other reason than I had a feeling this would be fun. I wasn’t disappointed. Halfway down the cough and cold aisle, the lady just lets go of the buggy and grabs a bottle of medicine. Then she bends down to grab a bag of cough drops and stands up. While she’s reading the packaging, another woman comes up behind her to grab a box of something. The mother turns grabs the stranger’s buggy and heads for the checkout. Never fear, I come to the rescue and discreetly point to the mother’s proper buggy before she abandons her kids or does something equally embarrassing.

At any rate, the more I watched women today, the more I realized how screwed you really are. Here’s a list of things you are more likely to experience than am I: menstruation, pregnancy, menopause, osteoporosis, sagging boobs and butt, heart disease, breast cancer, HPV, ovarian cancer, endometriosis, varicose veins, migraines, stress, depression, and gender bias. Let’s not forget that women are more likely to be the victims of violent crimes and cons than men are. Now here is a list of bad stuff more likely to affect me than my wife: E.D. prostate cancer.

So yeah, you ladies are screwed. Mother Nature definitely has it in for you. I mean it’s probably your own fault, you know the Eve and the apple deal or something. Therefore, whatever has happened to get you on the bad side of evolution, you should really consider getting it fixed. Now that I think about it, your problems are more than likely caused by something a man did and you have to handle the fallout. I mean that’s about the way it goes most of the time. :) Until we can solve this problem though, I hope each of you avoid sagging boobs, drooping butts, soft bones and lost minds. Love to you all.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Remembering James Garner

I wanted to write a long tribute to James Garner, highlighting his career
and what each of his roles meant to me and to the rest of his fans. I wanted to tell you how inspired I was by Jim Rockford and how entertained I was by Brett Maverick. I wanted to blushingly tell you how touched I was by Duke’s dedication to Allie in The Notebook and how proud I was to see that Tank Sullivan and his crew still had the right stuff in Space Cowboys. I wanted to tell how characters he played showed a strength and gentleness no lead actor before him dared show. Bu the truth is all of those characters we just a small extension of the man behind them.

James Garner the man was as much a character as the roles he played. He was a
tough guy, a dedicated husband, a loving father and a personality that commanded both the big screen and the television screen. It was impossible not to adore whatever character Garner played. In fact, my own mother often bragged that if it weren’t for the old man and Garner’s wife, she’d do what it took to marry him. The truth is he was one of the few men I was ever afraid for my mother to meet. Imagine the embarrassment of having to bail your mother out of jail for molesting a celebrity.

I often rain praise on those who work so hard to entertain me, but thinking it
over I cannot remember a stage in my life when Mr. Garner wasn’t doing just that. He gave us so many characters to look up to and emulate. I’ve said it before when the world lost great entertainers: George Burns, Bob Hope, John Ritter, Jeanne Cooper, and Lucille Ball… The truth is the loss of James Garner hits hardest of all for me so far. I guess it’s because I’ve watched him all my life and never really noticed how old he was getting. I mean let’s face it, even at 86 years old, he still had the personality, strength and humor as he had when Bret Maverick hit the TV screen 57 years earlier.

But, I won’t list all of the reasons I loved watching James Garner. To do that, I would probably tax the servers that host this blog. Instead, I will just say how much I will miss having the opportunity to see what he does next. I think for the first time since starting this blog, I am going to ask you, what is your favorite James Garner character?

In the comments below, tell everyone who your favorite character is and why. Meanwhile, I am going to go dig out Support Your Local Gunfighter and Support Your Local Sheriff.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Friendship Currency

I have been sitting here in my room at my computer for two days, depressed by the fact that I am unemployed and seemingly unemployable. In the past year and a half, I have placed over 1,000 applications for a variety of jobs from fast food to customer service to executive administrator. In the past few weeks, I have had three interviews and hired once for 10 minutes before they decided they could not afford to hire me.

So, while I have been wallowing in my own misery, I have neglected the one asset I have that means more to me than anything else. Today, my friends rallied behind me and did there level best to cheer me up and convey their hopes that I find some success soon. All of this got me to thinking about these friends. I have often heard that even the poorest man can find wealth in friendship, but I always thought that was a romantic platitude made up by someone wanting to sell us something. Today, I realize the truth behind that comment.

Aside from my nieces, who never fail to be a source of inspiration to me, I can count three people in particular who, whether I am whining about my personal life or celebrating my meager accomplishments, have always been there for me. These three people, whom I have never seen in person, have stepped up and cheered me on no matter what I am going through. Even now, when I least want to be the clown prince, these three step up and support me emotionally when everything around me seems like it’s collapsing.

These three people, whose names I will not mention here, truly are the best friends anyone will ever have. Good times or bad, they support their friends. Whether I am contributing to our friendship or being the natural pest that I am, they always show their love and respect. It’s too bad that people weren’t paid based on the value of their souls. These three would be valued higher than any billionaire on the planet.

For all of their love and support that they always show me, the words “thank you” will never be enough. I just wish that I could some way to show them the depth of my love and appreciation for them. Until I find that method of payment, just let me say to them. I do love you all to pieces. If ever I can do anything for you, it’s done.

Thank you for your time.