Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Practical Joke on Women

Whatever women did to piss off Mother Nature, someone should seriously apologize to her. I mean let's face it. A vindictive force has screwed you. Now before I get a lot of replies and hate mail, let me explain. First, nature has allowed you to develop and mature faster than your male counterparts, which when you're young is a good thing. Your intelligence is higher than the boys your age, your emotions begin to stabilize faster and by the time you're in your 20s, you are better prepared to start a career, family, or both depending on your goals. I won't go into how men are inferior to you at this point, because this post is all about the ladies. Now all the way up to your late 30s, Women have it made over men. You're beautiful, you have firm bodies, you have the intelligence and emotional stability to conquer the world and make us think we're in control. Then menopause hits. Oh, my God what happens to women at this stage of life reads as if Mel Brooks teamed up with the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges to determine how you would look and act for the next fifty years.

First, let's get to the physical part. Gravity's a bitch, yeah? I mean I saw a lady today who couldn't have been more than 40 and the things that happened to her were… well, they were just sad. Now, she was dressed properly, but you could see that she was having some wardrobe malfunctions. Each step she too, the poor woman’s boobs slipped a little more out of her bra. Her t-shirt kept her from exposing herself, but you could still see all the action as it happened. The sad part was the way it happened. Her knockers reminded me of gak. You know, that slime stuff that Nickelodeon marketed about 20 years ago. Yeah. That’s what this lady’s hooters reminded me of. With each step she took, they slipped from their enclosure more and more and jiggled under her t-shirt. Also like gak, no matter how hard you tried, the suckers still slipped through your fingers.

As funny as I found the poor woman’s plight, I was enough of a gentleman to not laugh right then and there, opting instead to announce it publicly here. Hey, I’m a gentleman, not a saint. However, this poor woman wasn’t the end of my amusement and the realization of how screwed you chicks are. A few minutes later, I saw a woman with two kids coming through the doors. The kids were well behaved but obviously feeling sick. One would sneeze and the other would cough. The woman would stop to wipe a nose and help cover the cough then stopped to think about where she was headed.

Feeling bulletproof against whatever cooties the rug rats carried, I decided to follow this woman for no other reason than I had a feeling this would be fun. I wasn’t disappointed. Halfway down the cough and cold aisle, the lady just lets go of the buggy and grabs a bottle of medicine. Then she bends down to grab a bag of cough drops and stands up. While she’s reading the packaging, another woman comes up behind her to grab a box of something. The mother turns grabs the stranger’s buggy and heads for the checkout. Never fear, I come to the rescue and discreetly point to the mother’s proper buggy before she abandons her kids or does something equally embarrassing.

At any rate, the more I watched women today, the more I realized how screwed you really are. Here’s a list of things you are more likely to experience than am I: menstruation, pregnancy, menopause, osteoporosis, sagging boobs and butt, heart disease, breast cancer, HPV, ovarian cancer, endometriosis, varicose veins, migraines, stress, depression, and gender bias. Let’s not forget that women are more likely to be the victims of violent crimes and cons than men are. Now here is a list of bad stuff more likely to affect me than my wife: E.D. prostate cancer.

So yeah, you ladies are screwed. Mother Nature definitely has it in for you. I mean it’s probably your own fault, you know the Eve and the apple deal or something. Therefore, whatever has happened to get you on the bad side of evolution, you should really consider getting it fixed. Now that I think about it, your problems are more than likely caused by something a man did and you have to handle the fallout. I mean that’s about the way it goes most of the time. :) Until we can solve this problem though, I hope each of you avoid sagging boobs, drooping butts, soft bones and lost minds. Love to you all.

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